Normally, this page would included a bunch of free-standing excerpts (quotes) from the book in question. But Leadership and Self-Deception doesn't lend itself to that. It's a story. That makes its 168 pages a quick read, but there aren't really many juicy quotes to share in a way that explains its content. But before I get into that, let me tell you how I came to hear of this book.

When I was president of the Minnesota Coaches Association, I hosted a monthly conference call featuring an author of a recent book relevant to coaching. After doing that for a few months, and having a ton of fun doing it, I invited Jon Benfer to take a turn. Jon is always into interesting stuff. He hosted Jim Ferrell from the Arbinger Institute for one of the calls, thus I read the book for that occasion.

That was about two years ago. Since then, I've had coffee with Jon a number of times and I've always been struck by how effectively he's integrated the ideas from this book into his coaching practice and his life. Every time we've talked, I've come away reminded that there is some gold in this work, and I didn't quite get it.

I didn't really get it until I flew to Salt Lake City in August for a workshop that expanded and deepened my understanding of the ideas from the book. In the two years since I first read it, I've never talked a lot about its points and I finally understand why.

One more thing before I try to describe the book.

My description may make it sound very "soft" or "humanistic" or even "new age." To the extent that reading it would have you treat people with greater respect, I suppose it is. But to the extent that it makes it more likely you'll be honest with someone that they're not getting their job done and it's time for a change, it's not. The point of the book is not to be "nice," but to treat people as people whether you are apologizing for a mistake of your own or firing someone because of a mistake they made.

The book is about our attitude or way of being relevant to the people around us. In the workshop, one idea we returned to over and over was that the action we take is just an action, and what matters most is the attitude, or way of being, we have in our heart when we take the action. So the book isn't about technique, and it isn't intellectual. It's more emotional or even deeper than that. I think that's why it's been hard for me to integrate it or talk about it and that's why I'm not going to write much here about the content of the book.

I just don't think my words would get within a million miles of doing it justice.

So before I say a little about the content, let me tell you why I think you might find the book useful, and how I recommend you approach it.

***

After most people first read the book, they say they found it to be a very important book. Many people find it to be the most significant book they've ever read. I've met some people who have bought case of copies and given it to clients and friends because they thought it was that significant.

The authors use the term self-deception to refer to those many times in life where we have problems with particular people without seeing that we are a big part of the problem. Sometimes, we are the problem. Thus, we are self-deceived about our responsibility in the matter.

This book emphasizes that this self-deception starts with an act of self-betrayal. That act comes when we've considered saying or doing something in service of another, and we then choose to not take that action. Or we take the action, but we do so with a particular attitude. As a result of our choice, we develop an attitude toward the person and ourselves. We justify ourselves and may judge the other as undeserving.

***

It's very typical in my coaching experiences to discover that there are some important places where my clients need to communicate more honestly or relationships where they need to take difficult actions. This can include confronting a business partner, challenging a colleague, firing an employee, etc. In most cases, it's very difficult for my clients to take the needed actions or have the needed conversation. In the case of a conversation, it's even more difficult to really have the conversation as honestly as is needed.

I think most of these difficulties stem from issues that this book addresses. So, if you're faced with places where you feel you need to step into conflict, this book can help. If you feel your relationships with employees are impeded because you too often don't give the praise you think of giving, this book can help.

My suggestion is that you read the book. Then, if like me you found it important but somehow not accessible enough to incorporate into your daily life, hop a plane and go to the nearest public workshop. You can find that calendar by clicking here.